


and i'll fall (and i'll break)

by hidefromeveryone



Series: Bandom One-Shots [5]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Blood, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Serious Injuries, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-22 03:34:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8271124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidefromeveryone/pseuds/hidefromeveryone
Summary: The cliff entered his line of vision quickly, too quickly and the brakes were slammed on, forcing Tyler's chest into the wheel and knocking the wind out of his lungs. Scrambling out of the old Volvo, Tyler's untied sneakers caught on the tire and he fell onto the ground. It was wet with water, and Tyler realized with a shock that rain was pelting down on his frame and he began shivering. Curling his knees into his chest, his cries were lost in the storm outside and in the fabric of his hoodie. It was one of Josh's hoodies, stained with pink hair dye and the scent of some stupid cologne he'd bought at the Dollar Store. (Tyler tries to kill himself; inspired by "Fake You Out" by twenty one pilots.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> please heed the tags, and stay safe friends. 
> 
> i hope everyone had a good and safe national coming out day yesterday. 
> 
> inspired by "fake you out" by twenty one pilots.

Shaking hands met with dull metal as Tyler jammed the keys into the ignition and flicked his wrist. The car roared to life and he backed up far, far too quickly, eyes straight forward gazing at some empty spot on the garage wall as the wheels screeched into the destroyed road outside his house. Running on autopilot, he found himself accelerating down the road at 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 miles per hour. 

It was four a.m., and no one was alive and breathing. It was four a.m., and no one was around to watch him. It was four a.m., and Tyler was left alone to self-destruct. 

A lone car crawled past him - well, Tyler supposed he was the one zooming past them. The headlights stung his eyes until he couldn't see, so he sent a prayer, hoping that maybe it could simply be that easy. 

He couldn't remember much of the evening. Just his parents finding his journal, his blog, his music. The sneering tones as they demanded if he was _gay_ , as if he had killed someone. He hadn't, but he would be doing so tonight. 

After his parents had left him with forming bruises and harsh words echoing throughout his skull, Tyler had numbly fumbled for his phone, unlocking it with simple ease for the password was memorized by heart. It was messages of _josh would you be okay if i weren't around anymore_ and _i'm so tired josh_ and _my parents know_ and _i can't do this anymore_ and _i'm sorry i love you so damn much space boy_. 

It had been over six hours, and Josh still hadn't answered. 

Now, Tyler wanted to make sure people knew that this wasn't some rash, sudden decision. It was years of building self-hatred and intrusive thoughts full of gore and horror and voices whispering every mistake he made. It was years of tearing his skin open with ragged fingernails and feeling either nothing or everything and anxiety bubbling up from his stomach into his throat every second of every day. It was going a few days without eating and pushing everyone he loves away and having no energy and a never ending numbness. It was not wanting to exist. 

The cliff entered his line of vision quickly, too quickly and the brakes were slammed on, forcing Tyler's chest into the wheel and knocking the wind out of his lungs. Scrambling out of the old Volvo, Tyler's untied sneakers caught on the tire and he fell onto the ground. It was wet with water, and Tyler realized with a shock that rain was pelting down on his frame and he began shivering. Curling his knees into his chest, his cries were lost in the storm outside and in the fabric of his hoodie. 

It was one of Josh's hoodies, stained with pink hair dye and the scent of some stupid cologne he'd bought at the Dollar Store. 

Josh liked to tell Tyler how good he was everyday. How he had a beautiful voice and wrote amazing lyrics and was the most gorgeous person Josh knew. How he was caring and always tried to help out the people around him and was a wonderful brother. How he made Josh happy and had a great laugh and an amazing smile. 

Tyler didn't have the heart to deny Josh's compliments anymore. He would just duck his head and hum in response as his chest clenched in pain. 

Tyler was bad and Josh was good and Tyler didn't understand why Josh would ever want to be around him. 

A small vibration against Tyler's leg made him jump, slide closer to the edge which dropped off into the raging waters below. 

_baby, baby don't do anything ohmygod where are you are you alright are you okay where are you at? i'm gonna be right there, okay? you're going to be alright. things are going to be alright_

It was long, a run-on text that seemed to never stop. It was how Josh texted when he was in the middle of an attack. Tyler slapped the rubber band against his wrist until it bruised blue, purple, green, yellow. He had hurt Josh. Sending Josh his location, there was something along the lines of _Tyler don't jump don't jump i'll be there as soon as i can stay alive for me baby i'll be right there i love you so much. you're not alone. i'm here_. Tyler wasn't paying attention anymore. 

Tyler was scared as his legs came to dangle over the precipice. Swinging them harshly, Tyler wondered what the fall would feel like. Would it hurt? He hoped so. He deserved to hurt. 

Clear skies revealed the stars up ahead, and Tyler glanced at them, the bright lights twinkling down at him. They were beautiful, but they were exploding. People admired them, but never stopped to think of the fact that the stars were already dead. God, now he was thinking like some introspective fourteen-year-old. Sighing, Tyler slid forward until his hips rested on the edge of the cliff. 

His phone was incessantly buzzing in his pocket, most likely a frantic Josh reporting his progress in getting to his boyfriend. Tyler couldn't care enough to check. He hoped Josh was far enough away that he wouldn't get here in time to see Tyler fall. 

One last swing, and he was over the edge. The sensation of freefalling left him dizzy, adrenalized, free. A rippling laugh burst forth from his throat. So _this_ was how it felt to be free. 

But, well, perhaps he should have looked more closely to where he was jumping because he slammed into an outcropping about thirty feet below where he'd just jumped, every bit of oxygen becoming expelled from his lungs and his legs crunching beneath him. Dry, heaving sobs burst forth from Tyler's chest as he heard blood filling his ears, a car crunching the gravel above. 

"TYLER! FUCK, WHERE ARE YOU?" A drop, someone's knees hitting the ground. "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCKING BE DEAD. I LOVE YOU! WHY ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?" 

Tyler couldn't feel anything from his waist down after the initial wave of pain. He could, however, feel the excruciating pain in his arms, and, after turning his head, Tyler saw the irregular angles his legs were sprawled at. With a weak voice, he began calling for Josh. The storm cancelled out any chance of his pleas reaching Josh. 

"You can't be dead...you're not dead, Tyler...you're in the trees or something...you're alive. You have to be alive. I can't live without you." Shuffling footsteps moved away from the edge of the cliff as Josh stumbled towards the woods at the edge of the ocean property. 

The crimson blood pooling around Tyler's body reminded him of late nights in the bathroom, clutching a box clutter in his right hand and carving away at his wrists. He had stopped after meeting Josh three years ago, during their freshman year of high school. 

Beneath his cheek, Tyler slowly became aware of the sensation of broken glass clawing away at his skin. Gritting his teeth and ignoring the searing pain, he grabbed his phone and unlocked it with trembling fingers. 

_remember, Tyler, it's okay to not be okay. your brain's sick, my brain's sick, but it's all okay. it doesn't seem like it, but it is going to get better. it always gets better. every day sucks, it does. but we get through it. you've been through so much. you're so strong. you're going to get through this too. soon you'll be free of your parents, and you can live with me and we can make music and do everything we want to do. you just have to get there to see it. please get there to see it. please don't do this. i'll hold you. we can get through this night. it'll be morning soon. please, Tyler, baby, stay alive. i love you so much_

Tyler vaguely recalled sending Josh his new location before he heard a sharp intake of breath and running footsteps. A few seconds later he lost consciousness and fell into the darkness surrounding his vision.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @hidefromeveryone


End file.
